NO PLACE TO PEE by Däch Phillups

Author:Däch Phillups
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-64027-054-1
Publisher: PAGE PUBLISHING, INC.
Published: 2017-07-19T00:00:00+00:00

Sometimes a Sneeze is Just a Sneeze

Besides being an early climber, I was also quiet handy with a hammer and saw. I built my first tree house at six years old, almost entirely by myself. I told my dad that I wanted one, so instead of building one for me, he told me of the time, at my exact age, that he helped his father replace the bearings in his Model T.

His words were actually very inspiring to me, and when he brought home a pile of discarded monument crates, I was very excited! I eagerly set about pulling out the nails and straightened them without being shown how. I then proceeded to cut, piece, and build. It wasn’t very pretty, but by-god I did it!

When I got my first bicycle at seven years old, I took it completely apart, and unlike most kids, I put it back together with no parts left over. My dad watched the whole thing without flinching and commended me for a job well done.

In effect, when it came to mechanical or physical challenges, I had no trouble whatsoever, but when it came to people, especially girls, I had trouble. For a long time I had to settle for dreaming about girls.

Well, the truth is that dreams are better than the truth, unless you’re a millionaire, and I bet they would say quit dreaming and get in there and do it.

You see, it’s like this, where girls were concerned: when I was young, from like eleven to seventeen, whenever I had thoughts of pretty girls, I would sneeze. For some reason, I seemed to attract decent-looking girls who sometimes walked up to me to offer some chewing gum or whatever.

“Would you like a piece?” she would ask as she held out the gum.

Boom! I ejaculated a tremendous sneeze. I kid you not! It would start as a tingle between the thighs, but would somehow transform itself into an entirely different signal and would race its way through my body and would come forth from my engorged nose with a hardy blubber!

This was hardly the body fluid that any self-respecting girl would accept on her person, so I literally blew many chances at an early age of losing my virginity!

I learned quickly to avoid the close proximity of pretty girls and so was able to prevent the knowledge, of my infirmity, of becoming common.

Yes, plain-looking girls didn’t do it to me, and that is why those were the ones I was able to hang out with. When I started dating they were the “lucky” ones to garner my attention, but I continued my celibacy because I was afraid that my volcanic proboscis would not allow the very natural course to take place, that is to say inter——, so I was always stuck with, for me, the very unnatural course, that is to say dis——.

That’s right. I was no talker. I wanted serious conversation but it was difficult to find a willing accomplice. So all of my courses seemed to turn into the only one left, which was “obstacle.

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